Tengah Malam

Can you help me to control myself? I’m not ready really..

Sometimes I don’t know about my decision, Is it really right for me? Is it the good way for me? I need someone to support me :( I need someone to say “everything will be fine, you can do it” Even I know some people are worry with me but I need to hear “It’s okay, everything will be fine. I’ll be here to support you”  while hugging me. I’m afraid.

This will be my very long journey. Honestly, one of the the things makes tonight feel so gloomy that I find it difficult to leave the past behind. I couldn’t see my most favorite people anymore. Usually if I don’t meet one of them in a day, I already miss them. I’m so grateful to meet them really, even if I have to spend much money for them I really don’t mind because I enjoyed it. And also for him :( How about me.. if I dont see him in a week I already cranky, Now I can’t see him maybe for a quite long time :(

I really hate goodbyes. The worst of the part of the life is goodbyes/farewell. Farewell means everything will be changed. And it’s always hard for me to think I cannot do this or that with them anymore. I know life must go on but all of things about farewell always makes me stressful. So far, I know as time goes by I can adapt well with the new enviroment but my thought about I can’t meet them tomorrow and for the next day feel so hard for me tonight :( I really hate this feeling even I have so many times to experienced goodbyes that were really broke my heart, and increase my emotional tension but it still cannot reduce my emotional memories like “this is common thing in my life, people come and go” I know it but Noooo, the feeling was same :( Life is complicated right?

And yes, until now I never say goodbye to them. I mean, we are going back again, meet again, going to mall again right? I just want to say “see you next time” or “see you soon” to them yes because I dont want to say goodbye to them. I just say goodbye to the people I hate. To my super sepuh senior :p and my boss lol.

I wish, I really wish to the God everything will be fine. I pray hard for them to find a new and best way for their career and wish the best for them. I really want we will spend time for holiday together like we planned before. I really want, we gather again while telling stories about what happened today, laughing at the stupid life that has happened, and encouraging each other 

I feel so gloomy really… but I never and don’t want to show in front of all of you. I always look strong and say to you also everything will be fine, you still can contact me if you need my help. Because I’m actually weaker than you. I would be sadder if you were sad to me.

And the second is, Is it really good for me? Because I’m going through this for 28 years (if I still alive) Can I? Or can I change again? Or what will happen to me later? I’M AFRAID!!!! Really.. And why I dont think about it when I decided to apply? This why I really need someone to support my decision, support my life, and calms me down when I feel so stress.

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