Birthday Mom

Akhir-akhir ini gue merasa agak jauh dari keluarga gue. Sekalinya ibu dateng ke kamar gue langsung suka marah-marah ga jelas. I dont know how to control my emotion nowadays even for a very little bad thing happen with me I got emotional. Kaya gue tuh butuh perhatian tapi di sisi lain gue gamau diganggu tuh mau gue kaya gimana sih?

Dan gue sebenernya feel guilty so much with my mom bikos kaya yang gue pengen utarain dan yang ibu gue tangkep tuh beda. Gue menyampaikan kekesalan gue and I dont mean to blame her at all karena kerudung gue akhir akhir ini tuh lenyap entah dimana. gue emang nadanya tinggi pas ngomong but its not for her it's just my intonation because I was very upset for losing some of clothes but mom thought that I blame her. What I need to hear from her is "iya kok aneh kemana kok bisa ilang, yaudah nanti besok kita cari sama-sama" that's it tapi permasalahan kerudung itu make my temprament get higher because my mom blame me for being messy, for being undisciplined, etc and I thought that's not related with lost of my clothes. why did she blame me? I was the lost one here. bukan gue yang nyuci baju, bukan gue yang ngelipet baju, bukan gue juga yang mendistribusikan baju bersih ke kamar masing2. gue cuma pemilik baju yang kalo abis mandi taro baju di ember pakaian kotor setelah itu mbak gue yang nyuci nyetrika dan taraaa baju hilang. gue ga menuduh mbak gue juga karena ga mungkin juga dia nyolong baju so why I discussed to my mom and the washer how can I lose my clothes in my own house tapi kehilangan kerudungnya tapi permasalahan jadi meleber kemana mana. ibu gue yang sensitif dan gue yang pemarah ini ga bisa bersatu.

Today is her birthday, when I was thinking about what I did to her and also I feel like I'm not so close like previously made me sad so much. I feel like many people I really love start to leave me one by one. Gue sedih dan trauma ditinggal pergi. I feel lonely so much.

I really love my mom from the deepest of my heart seriously she is number one, two and three.

I dont want to celebrate or say happy birthday in your birthday since I feel you getting older and older and the destiny will separate us someday. I can't handle my life. I'm not ready for it and never. But I'm thanks to Allah for make my mom being my mom. Now your age is 62 right? No I hate we getting older.